Biological Parents Aren't Perfect Either

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Something I've been trying to remind myself of lately is that it's okay not to be a perfect stepparent. No one is expecting perfection and I shouldn't expect it from myself. Should I do my best, keep trying, ask for forgiveness when I screw up and try to do better again - YES!

But I also need to remember that biological parents aren't perfect either. Being a biological parent does not make you immune from screw-ups and in fact that are some really horrible biological parents out there. Being a biological parent does not give you all the keys of the kingdom of great parenting. It does not give you all the answers to your child's needs, understanding of their sometimes crazy behavior, or the solutions to nightmares, frustrated fits, inability to sleep, hormone changes and all the things that happen with children. Biological parents get short tempered, weary of kids shows on TV, incessant questions, kid messes, temper tantrums and exhausting schedules too. Feeling these same emotions does not make me a bad stepparent or unsupportive wife.

As a stepparent I too can study and learn good parenting skills, be patient, thoughtful and kind, act in love, be unselfish, continue to try and try again to do better, and I can forgive myself and be forgiven when I make mistakes. Making mistakes does not make me a bad person or a bad stepparent.

Being a stepparent, which is a very courageous thing to do, can also put one in a position to feel attacked from all sides. You are affected by so many other people's lives and needs, not to mention family courts constant upheavals and frustrations. The one person who should show up to support us every day is ourselves. We need to be our own best friend and biggest cheerleader. No one knows us better, can gauge how hard we are trying or be inspired to help us grow.

So I am going to try to be less critical and remember that biological parents aren't perfect either. I am going to keep working at being a great parent, step or otherwise and try to remember that each day I have the opportunity to do better and grow. That way, challenges of today will be triumphs of tomorrow. 

Do you ever find yourself putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect or beating yourself up when you haven't handled things are graciously as you would've liked to? How do you talk yourself back to center?

Five Talents of Super Stepmoms

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I have been thinking about my role as a stepmom lately and about the amazing stepmoms I know. I admire these stepmom ladies so very much and as I try to live up to their awesome examples I see some traits that I definitely want to learn from them. Things that make them Super Stepmoms.

Super Stepmoms are:

1) Patient

It takes a lot to manage all the coming and going in a blended family. Stepmoms with patience learn to accept and manage the circumstances instead of just wishing they were different. Blended family life can be challenging, but a patient stepmom keeps working towards improving family life as a team. It's not easy to hold back when you want to be your husband's number one priority and he needs time with his kids. There are lots of lessons in patience for stepmoms.

2) Loving

Truly loving other people's kids takes a big heart. A Super Stepmom finds a way to put her feelings about her husband's ex away (as much as possible) so that she can love his kids without bitterness towards their mother. When kids know their stepmom cares, they are more easily able to show respect and acceptance. When kids feel the love and support of a stepmom their lives are are transformed and they have a better chance to heal from the pains of their parent's separation and to continue to mature.

3) Mature

Being a Super Stepmom means putting what's best for the family as a whole before your own emotions. It means not being easily offended and being willing to sacrifice for the well-being of the family. Please note this does not mean putting yourself last, it just means being mature enough to not let unregulated feelings and wants put unnecessary stress and pressure on the family unit.

4) A Ray of Sunshine

Being happy and enthusiastic make a world of difference to the people around you. Going out of you way to celebrate family members' successes, making a treat to brighten a heart after a frustrating day, creating laughter and bringing a happy spirit to the home is a fantastic talent of a Super Stepmom. A magnetic personality draws people to a Super Stepmom.

5) Committed For The Long Haul

Being a Super Stepmom means realizing that every day won't be easy, but also that hard days don't mean all is lost. Having an eye for a lifetime of happiness and peace really helps get one through the rough, dark days that come to everyone. Super stepmoms learn to find the joy in ever day and see the light in every person. There's nothing that scares kids more than the idea of seeing their parent go through another divorce and losing another person they've come to depend on. Showing your blended family that you in it, heart and soul, makes for a more secure homebase for everyone.

I love seeing these talents in the Super Stepmoms I know and I so appreciate their amazing examples. There are lots of inspiring stepmoms out there. Look to them and talk to them about how they've done it well. I am sure most still think they could've done a better job or they would've done things differently looking back, but this stepparent life is one in constant motion and comes with no handbook or training. We all have to figure it out and learn what's best for our unique families as we go. I adore the women who are out there trying every day to do it better and live a happy, peaceful life. Super Stepmoms are women who try and keep trying. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they excellently succeed. But they keep on trying with love, patience, cheerfulness and commitment. Hooray for all you Super Stepmoms.

It's Gets Easier Because You Get Stronger

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One thing I have learned about life over the past three or four years is that things that once created massive amounts of stress for me don't get me as worked up anymore. Days that would leave me sick to my stomach and with a headache are minimally stressful to me now. I realize it's not because those events have gotten easier, but rather it's because I have gotten stronger and better equipped to handle them.

Going to court is one of these events. Another is seeing my stepdaughter's biological mother who has done so much harm to her, my husband, to me and the peace and well-being of our family in general. Occasionally I catch myself and marvel for a moment that I am in the middle of something that used to really push me over the edge and now it feels like just a minor annoyance. When friends say they can't imagine how I've survived what we've been through over the past few years I realize how much I have been through and I see that I am stronger for it. If life is meant to be full of lessons, they will get exponentially more challenging to keep up with our growth.

Some days it just getting through ten minutes, sitting down and then trying again for ten more minutes. But learning to deal with our challenges and stresses is possible and there is a lot of help out there to help us get through it. Join a stepparents group, go to a therapist, get involved in couples or family therapy. Find programs that help strengthen the family and improve marriage relationships. There are thousands of parenting and stepparenting articles online and websites devoted to strengthening marriage and family. There is no reason to suffer in silence. Sometimes as a stepmom it's easier to just get on the "complain & be annoyed" carousel where you are guaranteed to have plenty of company and just keep riding it around and around, never making any progress and continuing to be unhappy. It's not worth it.

You have every capability to thrive through your challenges and improve your life and the life of your family. Take the challenge, reach for new heights. Be an inspired stepmom. There are plenty of miserable stepmoms out there already. That club doesn't need more members. But the inspired stepmoms club is a noble cause, a call of great challenge and one that will help any woman grow into a better more beautiful version of herself!

Sending all you stepmoms out there big love. You have an amazing power to make your family's life a happy one no matter the circumstances.

Our Parenting History: Pictures Do Speak 1000 Words

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Last weekend I was going through my photo files working on a project. I ended up just flipping through several years of photos, all encompassing the time since I met my husband and stepdaughter. It was amazing to see how tiny she was back then and file by file see her grow and change. My heart started to beat faster and faster as I remembered all the wonderful days we've had together, the rough times we've gotten through and the joy and love we share in our family.

When I closed the last file I had the overwhelming urge to find someone to high five or chest bump with! I was so pleased to see through our family photos something that it would be hard to say. I saw success, I saw two people who have given their all for this little person -- a little person who is growing into a lovely, smart, caring young woman.

I just wanted to shout, "Damn we did good!" It was a good moment. It gave me courage to continue on, even at the end of a very long, tiring day. We still have quite a few years to go before she's out on her own, making her way. I hope then we'll be able to look back again and think "Damn, we did good."

Making Conscious Plans For Fun

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Summer is just around the corner. You can feel it coming. Now is a great time to make plans as a family for the season. Not just for that grand family vacation you will take to go camping, on a tour of national parks or to a big amusement park, but for all the little things too.

Summer is the time to cram in as much fun and as much memory making as possible. Especially if you have kiddos out of school. There are so many great museums, historical sites, parks and trails, or beaches to explore. It's a great time to arrange for one-on-one time with each child, picnics in the evenings at a favorite park, barbecues with friends, swimming parties and more. Summer is the time to enjoy socializing and being outside and enjoying everything about the season.

But it's easy to let it all slip away. It's just a few weeks in the end and often time slips out of our hands and we only realize how much fun we want to have in Mid-August and then we feel like we have to party the daylights out of two or three weeks before fall. With a little careful planning this can be a awesome summer for the entire summer.

Print a calendar of the next three months. Write in your must-do responsibilities, the holidays and other plans you already have then plan in some weekly fun adventures. It will make this summer one to remember. I'm trying to do that this year. I want to make sure we take advantage of all the amazing things there are to do and enjoy with my family in our own city. We are lucky to have lots to do here and many places to explore. I'm looking forward to it!

Are there fun places in your own town you have never been to or would like to visit again with your children?

Important Lessons for Childless Stepmoms

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Had to share this great article from HuffPo about being a stepparent titled Help For The Childless Stepmom by Mary T. Kelly, M.A. I can relate to everything it said. Things that stuck out to me are getting to used to the reality that you will always be an outsider in some regard and that you have to take care of yourself. So important!  Great inspiration here.

Stepchildren Speak by Susan Philips

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I wanted to pass along another great book by Susan Philips. It's called Stepchildren Speak: 10 Grown Up Stepchildren Teach Us How To Build Healthy Stepfamilies. I recently posted about another book by Philips called An Intricate Dance: Stepparents Tell Us How They Found Their Rhythm

I've been thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in all the broken relationship, broken family drama: the lies, the arguments, the frustrations. Those situations often result in feelings that do not foster peace in the soul or in the home. It is always a blessing to step back and focus on creating a peaceful, happy, loving home. When you put the well-being of the people in your home as your priority it's much easier to move past hurt feelings and annoyance and focus on progress-oriented solutions.

I love that there are books like these and so many other resources out there available to us to help us focus on what is really most important. Have you read any books lately that you would add to a reading list for Inspired Stepmoms?

An Intricate Dance by Susan Philips

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I learned about an interesting book that I wanted to pass along to all of you this week. I was given this book by an attorney who knows the author quite well. The book is An Intricate Dance: Stepparents Tell Us How They Found Their Rhythm by Susan Philips.

Just the very idea of this book "finding our rhythm" is inspiring to me. I am looking forward to jumping into this book and learning from other stepparents and I wanted to pass it along to all of you. I hope if you are interested in this book it will bring you some fresh perspective, comfort and inspiration.

I will very likely be creating a few additional posts from my experiences reading this book but wanted to get it out to the stepparent world now. If you read it, I've love to hear your impressions. Please let comments.

A Favorite Book Chapter By Wayne W. Dyer

Wanted to pass along a favorite piece of inspiration today. When I am feeling out of sorts I often go back and read this chapter from Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's book The Power of Intention. He in fact suggests reading this last chapter A Portrait Of A Person Connected To The Field Of Intention first before the rest of the book. It's a portrait of what life could be like if you are connected to your authentic self and living in the present moment with intention.

It is a beautiful guide for where you can be in your life if you live in peace and inspiration aplenty to motivate you in that direction. When you are so self-solid that no one outside of you can rock your boat you have a power that few achieve and all are seeking. 

Remembering Simple Actions That Restore Calm

My little one has not been sleeping well this week. This is very unusual. She has always been a fantastic sleeper. But she's been waking me up multiple times every night saying she had a dream or she can't sleep. It's really been taking a toll on me because I'm not getting any quality sleep. She's doing okay because she's already sleeping four to five hours before she starts her middle of the night routine then still sleeps another 4 after she finally falls asleep again.

Last night on our way home from an event, already 20 minutes past her bedtime, I decided to take a detour and take a walk at one of her favorite places in our neighborhood.  It is the grounds of a religious building and a very serene and calming place to wander. We used to take her there at least once a week when she was little but in the past few months with an earlier school bedtime and her now spending weekends with her mother, I haven't taken here there.

A stroke of inspiration made me think maybe this would help her calm down and sleep well. I thought too that maybe keep her up a little later would make her just a little more tired and keep her sleeping through the night. So we went and we walked and she was amazingly calm and peaceful as we wandered and when we left. She calmly went to bed and she slept through the night.

It was a good lesson for me for a few reasons. First, listen to my parental inspiration. Second, remember what worked in the past that you might have let slip. Third, don't be afraid to break out of the usual routine in unusual circumstances.

Does Your Face Light Up When They Arrive

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I remember many times Oprah Winfrey talking about how all people want is for your eyes to light up when they enter a room. I think she was quoting Maya Angelou. I have thought about that a lot. Some of my very favorite people are people whose face lights up when I enter a room. They make everyone feel special, cared about and appreciated just as they are.

All children, no matter the age, appreciate seeing your face light up when they enter the room. Imagine what it can do for a stepchild/stepmom relationship if they feel your eyes genuinely light up every time they enter your home. It will break down walls, dissolve fears, warm hearts and create lasting relationships.

A Valentine Speaks A Thousand Words

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Last Thursday I got the best Valentine I will probably ever get. It captured who I am, who my stepdaughter is and our love of life and each other. Here's what it said.

Dear Mom,

You take me on cool trips. You protect me.

Love, (her name).

We both love to adventure. She would travel constantly if allowed. At least once a week or more she says, "I want to go on a trip right now. On a plane." or "Let's go to the airport. I just want to go on a plane right now." I am the same way. Circling the globe for both business and personal travel, racking up frequent flyer miles, was one of the best periods of my life. I never even stayed in a motel until I was almost seven. She has spent been many places, is a pro at a hotel room and is just about able to pack her own suitcase now. She'll tote her carry on and knows exactly what she wants and needs in it.

The fact she would say you protect me, is a double-edged sword for sure. Sad don't you think that a tiny child would think and speak about needing to be protected? That breaks my heart. But it turns my sad frown upside down to realize that she knows that come what may, I will fight for her and I will protect her if it's the last thing I do. She knows it. I know it.

In such a few short words she captured us. Who we are, what we love and how we love. And it's all so beautiful. This is a Valentine that will stay with me for life. Treasured away. And it a great reminder to keep doing more of the same. Sounds totally fun to me!

The Yo-Yo Life of a Stepmom

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When I saw this photo, I had a good laugh because it speaks so much to how I often feel in my life as a stepmom and with a partner who frequently is away on business. One day you are in the center of a busy life, fussing about meals, schedules, activities, implementing family goals and trying your best to raise a little one, have a healthy relationship with your man, and have a home that everyone loves and enjoys being a part of.

Then everyone leaves and it all goes silent. I watch other moms with their kids who they enjoy and get to be around 24/7 and I wish we could have that kind of stability and continuity. I feel sad that we can't make even some simple parenting dreams come true like team sports. It's impossible to get the little one involved in a team when she's in two cities far away from each other for part of each week. Either she misses practices or she misses games or both.

It feels like we are constantly stopping and starting our progress because of continually changing custody arrangements put upon on us by the court. Family traditions have to be fluid because you don't spend every holiday together every year and frankly you don't know what to expect each year, things always seem to change. I constantly have to say no to really fun family events because my family won't be around. I have to get used to the deafening silence when they leave me here alone. One day I'm making three meals a day and then for up to a few weeks I'm not even making a meal for myself. Sometimes I feel like the central figure in a family and then suddenly feel like the star of Single And Alone In The City.

Even more demoralizing is to realize that it will always be this way. We will always share this child. We will always have her for only part of the time. Most frustrating of all is that this is despite her wishes, her dad's wishes and my wishes.

So while I continue to find my way through this sometimes shocking yo-yo life, I have to find a way to count my blessings, let go of feelings of failure than can sneak in when we can't be like "normal" families and look at all the good we can enjoy. And when I have down time, it's a good time to rest up, make plans and look forward to the good days together.

Can you relate to my yo-yo life? How do you manage it? I'd love you to share.

Competing With Mom VS. Blessing The Child

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I recently heard an accusation made against a stepmother. The claim was that she was trying to replace the bio mother. That got me thinking about what my goals and efforts as a stepmom are. I pondered that for a while. What was my motus operandi anyway?

Initially, when I first learned my new guy was a father, I was sad, nervous and fearful about what that would mean for my life if we made a lifelong commitment. I knew immediately that it would mean there would always be another woman. And another woman who was unable to get along with my guy. There would also be a child that would be passed back and forth between us. That would complicate things.

Things changed for the better the first weekend I spent with my guy and his child. It was an instant click. It was good, fun, sweet, charming. It was awesome. From that point my goal was to be the kindest, sweetest, most loving stepmom I could. In time my role evolved a lot into home-pre-school teacher, cook, reading partner and much more.

My hope was that I would be able to keep my mouth shut and be polite when it came to the other woman. A smile from the distance. For the most part that has worked, but there have been times when I have had to go Mama Bear and stand up for my man and his little one. I'm honestly not afraid to do that if necessary. I'm saying that with the understanding that it has only happened 2-3 times in years.

This week I sat down and looked back on my stepmom performance, analyzed what my motives were and tried to take a mature look at what I can do to do it all with more wisdom, intelligence and less worry. It can be challenging to stay focused on what those motives are when you are dealing with constant game playing and seeing your partner and his child continually hurt.

But I reasserted for myself that my goal is and must be the health and well-being of this child. My goals must be focused on the health and well-being of our family. Anything other than that is a distraction and if obsessively focused on, a big mistake on my part. So I'll keep plugging along, focusing every day on that mantra. No matter what problems and criticisms might come. That brings me a great deal of peace and helps me see my path going forward.

Building A Community of Fellow Stepparents

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We had another good day at the courthouse recently that reminded me of what so many other stepparents, attorneys, social workers and child advocates have said.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep putting your child(ren) first. Follow the court order and show the court who you are and the life you are creating for your child(ren). Eventually the court will see the situation and realize who is causing problems and what is in the best interests of the child.

Having that faith and keeping securely on that path can be a tough one. That's when having a support network helps. Last summer a young woman came up to me and complimented me after watching my stepdaughter and I together at a museum. When she heard I was the actually the stepmother, she was even more pleased and shared with me a story of her own amazing stepmother and how stepmom and her father fought for her for eight years before her father was finally able to get custody.

She has become a treasured blessing and family friend as we have continued to uncover over the past year that her story is almost identical to our Little One's experience with her mother's addiction and abuse. These two girls, 18 years apart, have become dear friends and there is no one better to help teach our Little One what she must do when she finds herself in a bad situation with her mother.

For me, online connections with other stepmoms has given me a real boost on those days when we are worn down and discouraged from this long and muddied effort to protect this little girl. Sharing our experiences, knowledge and courage is an amazing gift to other families and especially parents who are going down the often difficult and costly road of protecting their children's best interests within the court/legal system.

If you are discouraged, let me encourage you to seek out other stepparents who can be positive influences for you. There are some great bloggers out there sharing inspiring stuff. If you are in a period of calm encourage other stepparents you may find who are struggling. It is so easy to get bogged down in all the negative feelings this situation breeds, but staying positive, focusing on the kids and living your life well is the happiest path for sure!

Life's Joy Comes In Moments

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I've been thinking about a day we had last July, a year ago this very week in fact and a life lesson I learned that day that has forever changed how I appreciate my life. Our custody situation has been very stressful due to dealing with some pretty serious factors with the coparent and a court system that refused to stand up for our little one. Her Dad and I have aged considerably in every way over the past few years due to the massive stress that we have been dealing with and the stresses that our custody ordeal has put on ever other facet of our lives, especially financial.

Last July was a particularly stressful period and we were having to do a great deal of preparation for court. Daddy was working 15 hour overnight shifts, with only a few hours to sleep and eat before he had to return to work - 7 days a week for three weeks. He was able to get one day off of work so that we could focus our efforts on the court case. We decided that we would make a quick family trip to the beach to get some fresh air and try to decompress a little. We gave ourselves a two hour deadline and then it was back to work. We had an amazing time and it was the most fun time we'd had in a long time. It felt so good to walk up and down the beach, to play in the sand and it was such a joy to see our little one enjoying herself so much with us.

When that two hours were up, we both felt impressed that it was in our family's best interests to stay and make a day of it - despite that fact that it seems to be a disastrous decision for the court case preparations. But we went with our instincts and stay and truly unwound and felt such a wave of peace come over us. Despite being in one of the worst periods of our lives, we were experiencing joy, calm, peace, AND happiness!

I learned that day that our greatest joys and happiness can any day and every day, even when it seems the world is crashing down around us. I learned that there are moments to love and cherish - to have astounded gratitude for - every day. Now I look for those moments in the every day and I treasure them and thank God for them. These moments are the great gifts of my life - my joy, my treasures more valuable than any other gift. Even in the worst of days, we can experience joy and see blessings come to us.

In the end we were able to be prepared for court and we came to realize that our preparations were not necessary for that day. This is also a reminder to me to follow my instincts and try to reduce pressure we put on ourselves unnecessarily. Great lessons all around and great memories from that day at the beach.