Making Conscious Plans For Fun

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Summer is just around the corner. You can feel it coming. Now is a great time to make plans as a family for the season. Not just for that grand family vacation you will take to go camping, on a tour of national parks or to a big amusement park, but for all the little things too.

Summer is the time to cram in as much fun and as much memory making as possible. Especially if you have kiddos out of school. There are so many great museums, historical sites, parks and trails, or beaches to explore. It's a great time to arrange for one-on-one time with each child, picnics in the evenings at a favorite park, barbecues with friends, swimming parties and more. Summer is the time to enjoy socializing and being outside and enjoying everything about the season.

But it's easy to let it all slip away. It's just a few weeks in the end and often time slips out of our hands and we only realize how much fun we want to have in Mid-August and then we feel like we have to party the daylights out of two or three weeks before fall. With a little careful planning this can be a awesome summer for the entire summer.

Print a calendar of the next three months. Write in your must-do responsibilities, the holidays and other plans you already have then plan in some weekly fun adventures. It will make this summer one to remember. I'm trying to do that this year. I want to make sure we take advantage of all the amazing things there are to do and enjoy with my family in our own city. We are lucky to have lots to do here and many places to explore. I'm looking forward to it!

Are there fun places in your own town you have never been to or would like to visit again with your children?

5 Things I Found Out Weren't True About Stepparenting

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In stepparenting, as in just about anything there are myths that become standard beliefs over time based on other people's stories and experiences. I never once before I met my husband imagined that I would be a steppparent. I never considered it, thought about what I would do in that situation or even opened my mind up to the possibility.

So when my new boyfriend, years ago, told me there was something he needed to share with me and told me he had a small daughter, I'll be honest, it broke my heart. Not so much because there was a child in the picture as I knew it meant there was an EX in the picture. Children I was good with, an EX affecting every part of our future I was not so happy with. I also knew this news would affect us financially for years to come. Little did I know it would be 100 times worse than what I imagined on that score.

I ended up taking a long walk by myself after learning this news and hours later when we regrouped I told him I wasn't sure I could handle all these people in his life. It was too complicated for me. Weeks later I met his young daughter, hit it off immediately and now years later I would not trade my relationship with her for almost anything. It has been a huge blessing in my life.

Looking back I had mythical expectations about what life as a stepparent would be like. Here are five I found to be untrue in my relationship with my husband, my stepdaughter and in my life.

1) That a stepchild would consider me a second class citizen in her life. I know everyone's situation is different and age has a huge, huge, huge affect on how stepchildren accept a new stepparent. But I find that if a child feels you are sincerely trying to bless their life by your involvement, they will be friendly and appreciate you. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I do believe that in most cases, this can be true.

2) That my husband would consider me an outsider when it came to parenting his child. My husband grew up with almost no experience with children. I grew up an oldest child with lots of younger cousins and neighbors. I did a ton of babysitting, teaching and mentoring of kids from birth to college age in my life. Kids are very familiar to me. So I was thrilled to realize that my husband is a phenomenal father, I think it's what he does best of anything in the world. He is incredibly intuitive, an amazing teacher, fun and loving. I appreciate that he has allowed me to use all my love and all my experience in parenting his daughter with him. He has only encouraged me to participate as a parent in her life and has shown great gratitude for my loving her and blessing her life.

3) That maturity and wisdom would make dealing with an EX a mature and simple experience. I am sure it's made it easier, but it has not made it easy. What I hoped would be a situation of mutual respect, after being lied to and falsely accused so many times just cannot be that. It requires a huge amount of maturity not to act out, speak my mind and let her have it. There is a reason why this woman has nothing but broken relationships in her past and no amount of generosity and maturity from others is going to change that. Lessons for me to learn.

4) That parents emotions are immune to being hurt by things their children or stepchildren say or do. As kids go, we have one of the sweetest, but one lesson I have learned is that I can get my feelings hurt by things she says, even unintentionally, sometimes even jokingly. I wish I'd been a little more thoughtful to my parents growing up. I cringe to think I've hurt their feelings with stupid things I have said.

5) That you ever get used to having kids in your home only part of the time. After years, I still have moments where I think I've lost or forgotten my stepdaughter somewhere only to remember that she's with her mom. The disruption to our household on each of the weekends she leaves to visit her other parent are painful and don't get easier. Her total personality change when we pick her up two days later is still completely stressful. Gladly she becomes more herself after a few minutes, but to see her face look empty, lifeless and soulless those first few minutes is deeply unsettling. Having to plan our lives around these visits, miss so many school and other activities because of visitation is a continual frustration and sadness.

These are just a few things I've learned and changed my mind about a bit over the years. How about you? Are there things you expected that turned out to be nothing like you expected? Please share them in the comments!

Facing Little Ones' Fears About Your Marriage

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For the first time this week I shared with my husband the fears his daughter has shared with me several times about what would happen if we didn't stay together and got a divorce. I think that would do the sweet girl in. She often talks about how horrible it would be if she lost me. She's seen her mom go through boyfriend after boyfriend so she knows that relationships don't always last. In her mom's world no one stays together, everyone breaks up.

When I told my husband this, it caused him a lot of grief. He hadn't even thought about her worrying about this. It immediately took him back to his own childhood sadness as he watched his parents' marriage fall apart and break up their family.

It gave us both a push to make sure we model a healthy relationship for our sweet girl. That we do all we can do to help her feel safe, loved and cared for in our home. Becoming a stepparent isn't just marrying a nice man or woman and taking on some responsibility for their kids. It's making a decision to stand as an example to a small child about what a good relationship can look like and to help them see that it is possible for them when they grow up too.

Remembering Simple Actions That Restore Calm

My little one has not been sleeping well this week. This is very unusual. She has always been a fantastic sleeper. But she's been waking me up multiple times every night saying she had a dream or she can't sleep. It's really been taking a toll on me because I'm not getting any quality sleep. She's doing okay because she's already sleeping four to five hours before she starts her middle of the night routine then still sleeps another 4 after she finally falls asleep again.

Last night on our way home from an event, already 20 minutes past her bedtime, I decided to take a detour and take a walk at one of her favorite places in our neighborhood.  It is the grounds of a religious building and a very serene and calming place to wander. We used to take her there at least once a week when she was little but in the past few months with an earlier school bedtime and her now spending weekends with her mother, I haven't taken here there.

A stroke of inspiration made me think maybe this would help her calm down and sleep well. I thought too that maybe keep her up a little later would make her just a little more tired and keep her sleeping through the night. So we went and we walked and she was amazingly calm and peaceful as we wandered and when we left. She calmly went to bed and she slept through the night.

It was a good lesson for me for a few reasons. First, listen to my parental inspiration. Second, remember what worked in the past that you might have let slip. Third, don't be afraid to break out of the usual routine in unusual circumstances.

There Is Enough Love To Go All The Way Around Us

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Being a stepmom is a ever-changing adventure. We got through diapers, bottles, toilet training, strollers, the alphabet, counting, home pre-school, kindergarten and more. Now suddenly I find myself in new territory. Doesn't it always happen that way, you just get comfortable with a new phase and everything changes on you.

Two weeks ago I was talking with our little one about my sister and the nice man she is dating. I asked Little One what if she thought, if she thought they would get married. She said, "I don't know, what do you think?" I told her I asked her what she thought. She repeated her question and this went back and forth a couple of times.

Then finally I said, "I think he's a great guy. I like the idea of them getting married." Then she said, "NO! She can't get married! No! No! No!" I was very surprised. "And not your other sister either!"

This behavior was so unusual that I had to do some digging into what was causing it. After some conversation, it came out that she was afraid that if they got married and had their own families they wouldn't have time for her and they would forget about her. That broke my heart a little bit, but I reassured her that they would never change how they felt about her or how much they adored her.

A few days later the conversation came up again. Except this time I was the one she feared might forget her. She said if Daddy and I had babies that maybe I wouldn't love her as much or have any time for her. I said, "Are you kidding me. I'm going to need you around more than ever. Babies can't talk. They can't do anything fun in the beginning." We started talking about all the things she could do that they couldn't do and all the things she would be able to teach them. She seemed comforted. I realized I need to keep reminding her of how much love there is all around her. There are more than just a couple of us. There is a whole community surrounding her, loving her and watching out for her.

It was a good reminder to me that I don't always know what's going on in her ever-developing, growing little mind and heart. If I don't talk to her, I am operating without all the information I need to help her and love her best. One thing I do know is that she will always benefit from being show and reminded how much she is loved. We can work through a lot when that most important truth is on the table.

The Golden First Hour After School

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I remember, when I was a part-time nanny during grad school, that the hours of four to six in the afternoon were cause for fear. It seems like it there are going to be any knock-down-drag-out meltdowns, baby cry-a-thons, or other ugly events they were probably going to happen sometime between four and six. Kids are tired, grown ups are tired. It's a powder keg of bad possibilities.

Since having a little one in school, I have quickly learned that immediately after school, as in on our way home, is not a good time to do anything. I've tried the grocery store, I've tried stopping by to say hello to a neighbor, doing art projects, cleaning house...not of these things are good activities to do the first hour after school gets out. (Read between the lines "it was hellish.")

When kids get out of school, they need to be able to just be for an hour. Our little one often plays with her Legos very quietly that first hour. Or she might grab a book and crawl up on her bed. Some days she just needs me to sit with her and have me hold her tight, talk with her and sometimes have a massive tickle session.

So when we get home, I turn her lose for an hour or so, then try to get a few minutes of bedroom cleaning or chores done. Then dinner preparations and homework. After dinner it's time to finish homework, clean the kitchen and living room and then get pajamas on. Hopefully we've given ourselves enough time at this point to have a leisurely time saying bedtime prayers, reading a story and having a chat.

It's amazing how much smoother the evening goes when I give her that first hour of downtime to do whatever she wants. It helps her decompress from the school day, relax after the regimentation of the school environment and to enjoy her space and being at home. I always want her to feel connected and happy about being at home. I think when she has time to just be at home on her own terms, doing what she wants to do, it really fosters that sense of connection I so want her to have.

I've definitely learned that days are much easier when we have quiet free time that first hour after school. My life, her life are much better when we follow that plan as much as is possible. Learning on the job, that is the life of a stepmom.

Holiday Traditions And Rotating Custody

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One of the hardest parts about being a blended family is having to split holidays with the kids. A Thanksgiving or a Christmas but never both. That also means no annual traditions that you all participate in. You most likely never will have the kids at the same time every year for annual community events. It's impossible to do an Advent Calendar or Christmas countdown chain because the kids aren't in your home every day.

In spite of all those frustrations I believe that the best thing I can do for my family it to create presence and special moments in the holidays each year. We may not be able to do the same thing every year but we can do special things every year. And by spending time with each other we forge a bond and build memories together that I hope will last a lifetime.

I decorate some on my own and then leave some decorating for our little one for when she is here. I know she doesn't have the long-term interest to do it for a day, but if I leave her an hour of decorating and some special things for her room, she's in heaven. I plan  a few special activities that we can attend together on the days she's with us. Most importantly I try to fill our home with love, affection and comfort. I am continually reminded by the thought that people don't remember what they did as much as they remember how they felt. So creating magical moments in our home are my priority.

This includes singing carols around the fireplace, planning special holiday movie nights, baking cookies for friends and neighbors, going to see special Christmas lights and concerts, and making a few simple craft projects. I try to get simple gifts and not many of them. My focus in on showing that I know what they like and what might make them really happy.

Another thing I try to provide is peaceful calm. The world is so hectic. Being traded back and forth between two homes cannot be easy. But I want my family to feel at home, as ease and at peace when they are here. I light candles, I put on peaceful music in quiet times. I hope they get lots of rest, eat good simple food and have time to unwind and decompress.

These are my holiday traditions. While we give up having our kiddo with us every holiday, which is plenty hard in its own right, making the best of every moment we do have has always brought me cheer, comfort and a focus on what is most important.

The Yo-Yo Life of a Stepmom

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When I saw this photo, I had a good laugh because it speaks so much to how I often feel in my life as a stepmom and with a partner who frequently is away on business. One day you are in the center of a busy life, fussing about meals, schedules, activities, implementing family goals and trying your best to raise a little one, have a healthy relationship with your man, and have a home that everyone loves and enjoys being a part of.

Then everyone leaves and it all goes silent. I watch other moms with their kids who they enjoy and get to be around 24/7 and I wish we could have that kind of stability and continuity. I feel sad that we can't make even some simple parenting dreams come true like team sports. It's impossible to get the little one involved in a team when she's in two cities far away from each other for part of each week. Either she misses practices or she misses games or both.

It feels like we are constantly stopping and starting our progress because of continually changing custody arrangements put upon on us by the court. Family traditions have to be fluid because you don't spend every holiday together every year and frankly you don't know what to expect each year, things always seem to change. I constantly have to say no to really fun family events because my family won't be around. I have to get used to the deafening silence when they leave me here alone. One day I'm making three meals a day and then for up to a few weeks I'm not even making a meal for myself. Sometimes I feel like the central figure in a family and then suddenly feel like the star of Single And Alone In The City.

Even more demoralizing is to realize that it will always be this way. We will always share this child. We will always have her for only part of the time. Most frustrating of all is that this is despite her wishes, her dad's wishes and my wishes.

So while I continue to find my way through this sometimes shocking yo-yo life, I have to find a way to count my blessings, let go of feelings of failure than can sneak in when we can't be like "normal" families and look at all the good we can enjoy. And when I have down time, it's a good time to rest up, make plans and look forward to the good days together.

Can you relate to my yo-yo life? How do you manage it? I'd love you to share.

Making The Best of Weekly Goodbyes

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We had a tough goodbye this past week. Splitting time between two households for a young child must be incredibly difficult. Because I had a mother and father married and living in the same house growing up, I will never truly know what that feels like. But I do know what it feels like to have a much loved stepchild come and go from our house every week.

Life at her other home is incredibly unstable and difficult on her and it breaks my heart every week to have to deliver her back to that place. Rest assured that we have over many years done everything we can to ensure her safety and well-being and continue to do that. But we have to follow court procedure, etc. I am sure I am not the only stepmom frustrated with that reality.

In our home we all get sad the day we know she is leaving. We had to find a way to combat that for all our sakes. It all starts by everyone getting sad and on edge and at times disintegrate from there. So we all decided that for all our sakes we should decide not to spend one minute of our time together unhappy and sulking. We should love every moment and make the most of it. We were only hurting ourselves if we let something we couldn't change bring unhappiness to us, especially on our last day of the week together.

Do we still get sad, absolutely, but do we join together and chase those blues out the door and remind each other that we are going to love every moment we have together? YES! Because we all understand that sadness, we can help each other overcome it quickly with gentle reminders and lots of hugs. It's amazing that we all take turns being the one to remind each other to be happy and love our time together. We try to find something to keep us busy so we don't think too much about that drop-off that is coming up. It makes the long drive to drop-off much easier when we have all dealt with our emotions before we leave home.

Last week the sadness began to creep in and the "I'm really, really, really going to miss you" lines started being spoken. Hugs were getting a little more desperate and smiles were turning upside down. But we had a little meeting of the hearts, sitting on the kitchen counter and reminded ourselves that we don't want to be sad when we're together, we want to make the best of every moment we have. And it worked. It always does and thank goodness we found this little strategy together and it works so well for our family. It's good to know we'll all be there for each other to pick up sagging spirits and love our time together. 

Banish Boredom With 10 Fun Things To Do

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It's summer in the northern hemisphere and it's proving to be a hot one. And for parents with school age kids it's a short break in the long school year routine and the chance to make meaningful and lasting memories with them. It's amazing how excited they get when you tell them you have "something special planned." Some of my best memories of my childhood are the times my parents surprised us with a fun day trip. If you're running short on fresh ideas, here are a few to inspire you.

1. Go to a local botanical garden.
2. Go to the Zoo.
3. Escape the heat by visiting all your local museums.
4. Visit local historical sites.
5. Check out all your local parks.
6. Make plans with a group of moms & kids once a week for the summer.
7. Attend summer kids movie programs in your city.
8. Plan and execute a service project every week.
9. Plant and tend a small garden.
10. Take part in summer art programs & local kids camps

What are you doing with your kids that excites you this summer? Please share. We all need fresh ideas and I love all the originality and creativity out there.

Listening To My Voice Around The House

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I saw a couple the other day and heard the wife speaking to her husband in a very demeaning and disrespectful tone over something that he innocently asked. Her tone made me feel terrible and it saddened me to imagine what that feels like to a husband or child. I can only imagine how many divorces have been greatly influenced by the inability to speak kindly to each other. It gave me pause to think about how my voice sounds with my loved ones.

Yesterday I heard Joel Osteen say that the greatest gift a wife can give her husband is to honor him, to treat him with respect. It's amazing how it's often hardest to show love and respect to those closest to us. It's easy to get into bad habits in our homes, to allow negative tones, impatience and tiredness deeply affect the way we talk to our family members.

How does my voice sound? Do I sound like someone I would want to meet on the street, work with in an office or have for a spouse or parent? Do I sound critical, fretful and worried about every step every one takes? Or do I sound courageous,  loving and supportive? I will admit there have been times when I have heard my own voice sound much more ornery, critical and unkind than I would ever hope to sound. I have quickly apologized and made renewed commitments to do better. I'm recommitting to check in with myself regularly to see what it is that my family is seeing and hearing from me.

I set the tone by how I speak in my home and family. We women also have a big influence on how we allow others to speak in our homes too. Think what good spouses those kids will be down the line if they learn to speak with honor and respect to their family members in our homes. It's a good practice to get in to and definitely makes for a happier home every day. I hope that the sounds of our home will be remembered as sweet, loving and kindly music.

Enjoy Great Summer Days With Family

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It's summertime in the northern hemisphere and a big holiday season in the U.S. The past four days have been sun up to sun down fun with different groups of friends, lots of big family-friendly events, packing, house cleaning, travel and more big fun events with family and friends.

I will confess that I am a little tired and have several times questioned my sanity regarding participating in so many fun events in such a short period of time. I think of my fellow parents out there who are scrambling to take kids on cross country trips, to amusement parks, big community events and so much more this summer. I'm sending you my encouragement and any energy I have to spare.

Thinking back on my own childhood, those are the times I have the best memories of: the trips to Yellowstone, the Grand Canyon, NorCal and SoCal, camping trips, visits to cousins and more. I have no doubt my parents were usually exhausted before we even got out of the driveway. And I am sure it was a little tedious for them frequently. It's very possible that there were times when they just didn't know how they would afford to take us to fun places.

The value of my childhood experiences and memories make all the efforts I've made this past week feel more than worth it -- and make me feel very grateful for my parents, knowing now what it took to get us on those trips. So to all you parents out there, I promise you you'll catch up on your rest, you'll forget how tired, sore, frustrated, impatient and regretful you might have felt. You will have great moments with your kids and make memories to last a life time.


You can do it! It will mean the world to your kids. Life passes by too quickly and soon they'll hopefully be doing the same for their kids and you'll be able to look on and smile, knowing what they went through to get there. Go get 'em Stepmommas! You can do it. Make their lives amazing. They'll never forget you for it.

52 Things Kids Need From A Mom

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Had to share this wonderful book with all of you stepmoms. It had me crying three times in the first few chapters. Written by Angela Thomas, this book is a collection of essays on simple things you can do to bless your kids lives. It is full of love, grace, wisdom and inspiration to help you keep your eye on the important things, create a love-filled home and help your kids thrive. I love that the title is 52 Things Kids Need From A Mom. Not "their" mom or "the woman who gave birth to them" but anyone who stands in the role of mother in a child's life.

I found that it quickly began to change me, change the conversations I was having with Daddy and increasing my vision and perspective about mothering. I immediately began to think about my role as a stepmother on a higher plane, with more understanding of how I could bless my family and it made me realize how I could have more satisfaction as a mom too. I will never wave goodbye to our little one in the same way again after reading Angela's book.

It's a great gift for any mother or soon-to-be mom or stepmom too. If you choose one thing for each week, during the course of the year you could dramatically strengthen your home and the bonds you have together. What a beautiful, simple, and life-changing gift. Check out 52 Things Kids Need From A Mom available at Angela Thomas online store and bookstores everywhere. Angela has also written many other inspiring books you may be interested in so take a browse through the store. Hope you'll enjoy this book!

Father's Day : Teach them to Appreciate Their Dad

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On this Father's Day weekend, one of the best gifts you can give your husband is to help your stepkids see how much he loves them, all the good he does, learn who he is and teach them to show their love and appreciation for him. Stepkids learn a lot from how you talk about their dad. You can  help them see what a great guy their dad is when you take a few moments to compliment their dad in front of them and others. 

Talk to them about their dad's many talents and strengths. Make sure they see the many hours he works to support the family, to help them and to keep the home running smoothly. Most importantly when you are gracious and kind to their dad in word and deed you set a tone for the home that others will follow.

Happy Father's Day to all the great dads out there!


P.S. Monday I'll post a great guest post by stepmom Sara about learning to make peace with stepmomhood. If you'd like to share a guest post or great inspiration about stepmomhood get in touch here.

Keep Your Family Laughing

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When you think about your spouse or your best friends what are the things you remember most about them and keep you feeling close to them? I think of two things. First that they stand by you in bad times and offer love. Second, all the times you've laughed together so hard that you were crying and breathless.

As the mom of your household, you have a massive amount of power on the mood in the house. In fact you hold almost all the power in the situation. Husbands and kids are brought down or raised up by the tone you set for the home. Even if they come home in a terrible mood you have a big impact on how they'll handle it once they get inside the front door.

If you set a light-hearted, cheerful tone to the home, they will look forward to being there and being near you. If you are tired, dragged down by household upkeep, and take things a little too seriously, you will find yourself in a house where people hide in the farthest room from where you are: the basement, their bedrooms, the garage, the backyard -- or at someone else's house.

There are many studies that show that children laugh many times more a day than adults do. It's time to turn that around. Be someone who laughs. Be cheerful. Do whatever it takes to keep your mood light. Watch a silly TV show. Share jokes as a family. Watch ridiculous YouTube videos. Be playful and fun.

People are always more important than tasks. You will always be rewarded in your relationships when you put them first. I have had many times lately where I have stopped & realized that someone in my family needed me and my love that very moment. Like a clap of thunder over my head, I felt impressed to stop and go spend time with that person.

Comically, this often happens when that person is being a bit of a pest trying to get my attention, which brings more emotions of annoyance than love and patience. (Hey, I'm laughing about that, how about you...are you laughing?) But when I see what they are really trying to communicate it's easy to put frustration and whatever task I'm doing aside and go have some fun and give some love. It's always a blessing to me and to them in the end.

While it's so easy to feel we're the ones guiding getting everything done in the family and around the house, I bet we'd be much better off putting ourselves in charge of happiness, laughter and fun. Imagine how much impact that could have on your family every day! Powerful! Laugh it up, Mama! Laugh it up! Go have some fun today.

Here are some links to get you laughing:

Dang Good Jokes

Jill Juck Jokes

Yahoo Kid Jokes & Humor

Aha Jokes On Parenting & Parents

Our Traditions Have Built A Tightly Knit Family

We have bottles of shells all over our home. It's a tradition we started very early in our family life together. As we have traveled we have gathered shells, driftwood and sea glass from beaches along the Pacific and Atlantic shorelines. Every time we look at those jars we are reminded of some of our very favorite family trips and beach days.

One one trip we came to a much neglected beach and found loads of sea glass and shells everywhere. It was clear no one ever visited this beach that was surrounded by shipyards and buildings. Every day we would take the small bag the hotel packed our breakfasts in and walk across the road to the beach and gather shells and sea glass to our hearts content.

Each beach we visit has shells of different types and sizes and I have enjoyed researching the different varieties we have found. Gathering shells is one of our family traditions. As a family we have also spent many happy hours riding bicycles together, since the little one had a seat on the back of dad's bike. Then we transitioned to a trailer bike and now she is riding her own bike all around the park. We hope soon, with a little more experience, she'll be ready to ride around town with us.

Another tradition is family dinners: homemade pizza night, spaghetti night, tacos night. Each of these meals holds a special place in the family's hearts and are requested often. Everyone of these dinners involves cooking with herbs and tomatoes we have grown in our garden -- another family tradition and source of happiness. We also have our family tradition museums, ice cream parlors, and trips around town.

Building traditions as a blended family have helped us create our own family history, to bond together through our activities and our memories, and give us good things to look forward to. There's nothing like having a funny memory to laugh about together or a special day to reflect back on to help a blended family feel tightly knit.

What traditions have you established in your family? How have they strengthened your bond?