Being A Stepmom Taught Me To Handle Criticism

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I realized today something really big. I have learned how to handle criticism. Wahoo! That's exciting. And you know where I learned it? Was it grade school? Nope. At home growing up? Nope. College? Nope. in my career or relationships? Nope. It was from being a stepmom!

The things I have heard about my man, me and our life together in court are so outrageous they would be comical if they were not so potentially devastating to our family. After some time, I believe the judge and everyone involved in the decision making processes for our little one recognized the truth of the situation. Actions speak louder than words. Yes accusations are damaging and extremely hurtful but as time goes along it is usually not difficult to see who is telling the truth and who is not.

Now that the real truth is beginning to come out, there is some relief, but for a long time, dealing with false accusations and criticisms took a real toll on me. I was born the oldest child in my family and was raised in an environment that emphasized integrity and character. Even as a young child, I took my good name very seriously and was probably more devastated than I should've been when I was corrected or got into trouble however small it might be.

But this also taught me to make good choices and always try to be and do my best. That has served me very well throughout my life and has resulted in a very joyful life. However, trying to be good and do good will never protect us from criticism. Being a stepmom has taught me to stand up for what I know is right no matter what anyone else tries to say or do to me or anyone I love. The stakes have just been too high to waver. We are talking about the life of a young child here! And that is something that I realize I am willing to fight for even more than I was willing to learn this lesson for myself in my own life. I am willing to take the hits and deal with it for this precious kid I love so much.

So despite a really unpleasant experience with custody and family courts, things are turning around and I am grateful to realize today that I can take the hits and stand my ground - thanks to a little angel who came into my life. I was willing to learn and grow because it meant protecting her. I am a better woman for it and I know this is trickling out into other areas of my life.

Yes I like to get along and I have always tried to take the reserved, respectful route through any unpleasant situation. I realize now though that sometimes that is the coward's way out and not the brave, courageous soul's way out. Today I am much more willing to be brave and stand up and make my voice heard and fight when necessary. I think this make me a much more well-rounded warrior mom and that is my goal!

Forget The Messy Room. Stop and Snuggle.

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There are often days in the parenting world, where you just have to throw your principled motivations out the front door and love. I remember when my sister realized that when our little cousin was three years old and threw a crazy tantrum that discipline was not the answer. It didn't work. But what did work was just stopping all the crazy and sitting down and holding her tightly and lovingly in your arms. That put an instant end to the tantrums.

A similar thing happened here this past week. It was go to Mom's house day and as the appointed hour drew nearer, the behavior and self control of our little angel went out the window. She has made a major mess of her room and I really wanted her to clean it up before she left. So often in the rush of heading to the other parent's house, clean up gets lost in the shuffle and we often end up cleaning up toys that really should've been cleaned up by Angel.

After asking her to clean her room repeatedly, even after breaking it up into bite size tasks for her, she was in a pile of tears. This is a kid who has always been a good cleaner-upper since she was tiny. Picking up toys and straightening her bed have never been a problem (except, again, in a time crunch). Trying to encourage her didn't work and I realized that this kid was anxious about going back to her mom's unstable home and needed love.

So I threw my parenting expectations and goals out the window, put on a short DVD and snuggled up on the couch with her. I had no more trouble that day. She was calm, pleasant and happy. The next day I started cleaning her room and I did it with a smile, knowing that I put her needs before my want for her to have a clean room. She's learning the lessons she needs to about organization, tidiness and responsibility. There was no need to force feed it that day.

Hopefully she'll remember instead that when she's in distress that we will drop everything to help and love her, that she never need feel alone or scared, that we have a responsibility to care for her and take it very thoughtfully and seriously. I'm so glad I made the right choice for that day. Another day, when it's right for the situation, I'll be a stickler about the room.

Have you found yourself in the cycle and how did you make the right choice? Easy? Hard?

Parental Alienation Must Be Addressed

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Parental Alienation is one of the most devastating issues that can arise during a custody resolution.  I wanted to point you to an important conversation going on over at Since My Divorce. If you have ever experience Parental Alienation I hope you will visit and join in the conversation there. Even more I hope you will find a way you can comfortably and passionately share your story and then share it all you can going forward within the family court, legal, mental health and social circles you interact with.

We have battled Parental Alienation in many forms over the years and have seen the devastating effects it has on children. It has hurt and devastated us, but even worse we have seen the pain and suffering that is brought upon small children by their own parent when they attempt to drive a child away from the other parent.

Here's the link to the post Parental Alienation: A Family's Heartbreak. There are links to several stories by parents who have been down this very sad path. Let's band together and make sure the family court world begins to recognize this and that we stand with fellow parents and give them our support.