Forget The Messy Room. Stop and Snuggle.

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There are often days in the parenting world, where you just have to throw your principled motivations out the front door and love. I remember when my sister realized that when our little cousin was three years old and threw a crazy tantrum that discipline was not the answer. It didn't work. But what did work was just stopping all the crazy and sitting down and holding her tightly and lovingly in your arms. That put an instant end to the tantrums.

A similar thing happened here this past week. It was go to Mom's house day and as the appointed hour drew nearer, the behavior and self control of our little angel went out the window. She has made a major mess of her room and I really wanted her to clean it up before she left. So often in the rush of heading to the other parent's house, clean up gets lost in the shuffle and we often end up cleaning up toys that really should've been cleaned up by Angel.

After asking her to clean her room repeatedly, even after breaking it up into bite size tasks for her, she was in a pile of tears. This is a kid who has always been a good cleaner-upper since she was tiny. Picking up toys and straightening her bed have never been a problem (except, again, in a time crunch). Trying to encourage her didn't work and I realized that this kid was anxious about going back to her mom's unstable home and needed love.

So I threw my parenting expectations and goals out the window, put on a short DVD and snuggled up on the couch with her. I had no more trouble that day. She was calm, pleasant and happy. The next day I started cleaning her room and I did it with a smile, knowing that I put her needs before my want for her to have a clean room. She's learning the lessons she needs to about organization, tidiness and responsibility. There was no need to force feed it that day.

Hopefully she'll remember instead that when she's in distress that we will drop everything to help and love her, that she never need feel alone or scared, that we have a responsibility to care for her and take it very thoughtfully and seriously. I'm so glad I made the right choice for that day. Another day, when it's right for the situation, I'll be a stickler about the room.

Have you found yourself in the cycle and how did you make the right choice? Easy? Hard?

Parental Alienation Must Be Addressed

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Parental Alienation is one of the most devastating issues that can arise during a custody resolution.  I wanted to point you to an important conversation going on over at Since My Divorce. If you have ever experience Parental Alienation I hope you will visit and join in the conversation there. Even more I hope you will find a way you can comfortably and passionately share your story and then share it all you can going forward within the family court, legal, mental health and social circles you interact with.

We have battled Parental Alienation in many forms over the years and have seen the devastating effects it has on children. It has hurt and devastated us, but even worse we have seen the pain and suffering that is brought upon small children by their own parent when they attempt to drive a child away from the other parent.

Here's the link to the post Parental Alienation: A Family's Heartbreak. There are links to several stories by parents who have been down this very sad path. Let's band together and make sure the family court world begins to recognize this and that we stand with fellow parents and give them our support.

The Yo-Yo Life of a Stepmom

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When I saw this photo, I had a good laugh because it speaks so much to how I often feel in my life as a stepmom and with a partner who frequently is away on business. One day you are in the center of a busy life, fussing about meals, schedules, activities, implementing family goals and trying your best to raise a little one, have a healthy relationship with your man, and have a home that everyone loves and enjoys being a part of.

Then everyone leaves and it all goes silent. I watch other moms with their kids who they enjoy and get to be around 24/7 and I wish we could have that kind of stability and continuity. I feel sad that we can't make even some simple parenting dreams come true like team sports. It's impossible to get the little one involved in a team when she's in two cities far away from each other for part of each week. Either she misses practices or she misses games or both.

It feels like we are constantly stopping and starting our progress because of continually changing custody arrangements put upon on us by the court. Family traditions have to be fluid because you don't spend every holiday together every year and frankly you don't know what to expect each year, things always seem to change. I constantly have to say no to really fun family events because my family won't be around. I have to get used to the deafening silence when they leave me here alone. One day I'm making three meals a day and then for up to a few weeks I'm not even making a meal for myself. Sometimes I feel like the central figure in a family and then suddenly feel like the star of Single And Alone In The City.

Even more demoralizing is to realize that it will always be this way. We will always share this child. We will always have her for only part of the time. Most frustrating of all is that this is despite her wishes, her dad's wishes and my wishes.

So while I continue to find my way through this sometimes shocking yo-yo life, I have to find a way to count my blessings, let go of feelings of failure than can sneak in when we can't be like "normal" families and look at all the good we can enjoy. And when I have down time, it's a good time to rest up, make plans and look forward to the good days together.

Can you relate to my yo-yo life? How do you manage it? I'd love you to share.