Being A Stepmom Has Ruined the Idea Of Adoption

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I have been having a lot of big life conversations with myself the past two weeks as we've been looking forward to some major life changes in the next couple of months. It was supposed to be a new dawn for our family, a chance to move forward on so many things that have been on hold for several years. But instead it looks to be the most challenging times we faced so far.

One of the issues I have been forced to face is whether or not we will be able to have children. This has been a lifelong dream and goal for my life and what I feel is my highest calling and purpose for my life. After years as an unmarried adult, I had always hoped the opportunity would still come and when I met my husband I thought it was definitely still an option. That was five years ago and after many difficulties and a long, drawn out custody battle, the chances of having children has progressively and drastically diminished.

The great hope was that this year we would have a chance to try to make that happen. Now it looks like things might go another direction and I worry about even trying at this point. There are so many things that could go wrong. In the back of my head there was always a backup adoption possibility. But I realized very recently that my life as a stepmom has greatly complicated this issue and perhaps closed the door on my interest to ever adopt.

Here's why. I just cannot allow another biological parent into my life. I have one biological parent in my life who has without exaggeration made my life, my husband's life, and definitely my stepdaughter's life a living hell for the past five years. It is impossible to adopt without the existence of TWO other biological parents. I feel very strongly in my life right now that I cannot allow one more parent into my marriage, my family or my life. I just can't. Closed adoptions are a thing of the past, which means you will have an open adoption and you will have to communicate with biological parents. Even if you could get a closed adoption you face a life with a child who will dream about and want to find the biological parents and invite them into your life. And so the door on adoption now closes, while I have one foot in the having a baby door trying to keep that door from slamming shut on me.

It's been a very difficult and heart-breaking process working through, particularly as my stepdaughter prays daily for siblings. Last night she cried her little heart out asking what we're going to do if we can't have kids. This isn't even something I discuss with her other than to occasionally try to temper her hopes with the idea that it might not be possible. When I'm already crying in private, having her crying to me is difficult. All this is going on while at the same time we are trying to figure out how we will resettle our life come this summer as we go through some major changes again and while custody issues loom as unsure and expensive as they ever have.

It never dawned on me that I would give up on my backup adoption plan. But I think I have. It will take more than a miracle to get me to change my mind. Which makes me sad, but also feels a bit self-protective because it's important for me to know my limits and know what I can and can't handle. This is one of those moments when figuring out my life hurts but I continue on, happy to have crossed this river and looking forward to continuing on my path.